1. No-lye Perm Relaxer (decades worth. enough for permanent damage) The two-hour-long process will burn your scalp, singe your ears, and cause your hair to fall out. After that, however, your once-nappy hair will evolve into something straight, thin, and unnatural. As close to a white girl’s as possible without being good enough.
2. Cocoa Butter Lotion (lifetime supply) It’s important not to look ashy as it’s a sign of Blackness—particularly ghetto Blackness.
3. Dark Lipstick (stick to one shade) You have luscious lips. Highlight their suckability. NOTE: If you have monkey lips, then this excludes you. Simply do your best to make your mouth look smaller, and don’t even fucking think about wearing bright lipstick. You look like a clown.
4. Tight Jeans (it might be easier just to be overweight. no one will care or notice) Emphasize your only sexual value. Your asset sets you apart from other women as long as you’re thicc and not fat.
5. Pretty Features (search specialty stores) Purchase the mild-to-light-brown skin, preferably. Caramel or creamed coffee shades. High-yellow is best if you can locate it. But no darker than a low-medium brown. Like Hershey Kiss colored skin. NOTE: check the top shelves for adorable nostrils. The feature isn’t required, but it is necessary.
6. Articulation (use sparingly) Keep enough on you for protection. People are often surprised when you pull this out of your purse. NOTE: get the extra strength Talk White version if you need to remove ethnicity from your voice permanently. It is a significant upcharge.
7. Sass (apply daily) This will be cheap if you bundle it with the easy-to-use voice adaptor and clap-back controls. Most stores request sass on their shelves. White people, in particular, will want to have a portion of yours on a routine basis. NOTE: if a store doesn’t carry your brand of sass, ask the clerk to check the back for Happy-Threatening instead.
8. Loud (as needed) You must have it at any moment’s notice. You’re confusing to people without it.
9. Scary (possibly repackaged as Intimidating) A small amount goes a long way. You won’t need to reapply often.
10. Ghetto’ness (borrow from your fellow Black if you can’t find any) Hide a bit in your back pocket for emergencies. It can be a risk in certain situations, but sometimes people may expect you to use it, including yourself. NOTE: don’t confuse item #10 with item #2. Acting ghetto is entertaining. Looking ghetto is unsightly.
11. Strength (buy in bulk. antique shops stock the best brands) Your most expensive item, and it’s easy to run low. You’ll have to lug around chunks of it every day to share with others. People will assume you have plenty to spare. NOTE: it’s not the most comfortable or helpful item for every scenario, but you’ll feel naked without it.
12. Side-Kick Spray (whenever you’re with your white friends) Use this to enhance the beauty and intelligence of your best friend just by standing next to her. The spray will most likely cause a “See? My best friend is Black!” reaction from your white friend. NOTE: it helps if you combo the spray with items #7 and #9.
13. White-Boy Repellant (use whenever interested in a white boy. especially if he’s interested in you) Just because Black men fall in love with white women doesn’t mean you get to step outside the race and fuck a white boy. You have to be loyal. You cannot be a sellout. Don’t you dare be happy with that white boy! NOTE: if the white boy begins the conversation with “you’re pretty for…,” squirt the repellent in his face. It’s nonlethal, but you might suffer splash damage.
14. Emotions (2-Pack) Grab the heavy-duty Anger and reformulated Jolly. Your Anger will be anticipated. Your Jolliness will be demanded. NOTE: These emotions can be made at home, but they won’t be accepted unless prepackaged with a Made in USA stamp.
15. Patience (make sure it’s labeled “Endless”) Mainly for everyone and everything around you. You’ll never have time to apply patience to yourself. You’re broke. Anyway.
*Return home with your baggage.
*Save the list for your daughter. Her daughter. Her daughter. Fuck this list. Her daughter. Her daughter. Her daughter. Her daughter. Her daughter. Fuck this list. Her daughter. Her daughter. Her daughter. Her daughter. Fuck this list. Her daughter. Her daughter. Her daughter. Her daughter. Her daughter. Her daughter. Her daughter. Her daughter. Her daughter. Fuck this list. Her daughter. Her daughter. Her daughter. Her daughter. Fuck this list. Her daughter. Her daughter. Her daughter. Fuck this list. Her daughter. Her daughter. Her daughter. Her daughter. Fuck this list. Her daughter. Her daughter. Her daughter. Her daughter. Her daughter. Her daughter. Her daughter. Her daughter. Her daughter. Her daughter. Fuck this list.
© Janine Blue
[This piece was selected by Damyanti Biswas. Read Janine’s interview]