Smash Lits with Sara Crowley
Read Ben Slotky’s fiction piece, The Sandwich Judge
1) What would your superhero power be?
Flying, w/o a doubt.
2) What was the last text you sent?
Pink, And I Was Slathered. The Nature of Great Things. Something Classy, Something With Endives. (These are titles for stories I will probably never write, but should.)
3) What has been your most embarrassing moment?
Back when I was in kindergarten, I called my teacher “Mom.” Nothing’s been that bad since.
4) Bacon VS Tofu—who wins? Why?
I’m kind of done with bacon. We get it, it’s delicious, let’s move on. I am a sucker for a good Mapo tofu.
5) Do you have any phobias?
Not a one.
6) You have to swap places with one other writer for a week. Who and why?
Let’s see. That’s tough. It depends on where they were. I’m not good at things like this. I don’t want to swap with anybody. Next question.
7) Do you believe human beings can spontaneously combust?
It’s 96 degrees at 5 PM on September 20. I’ve seen 11 people burst into flames since noon.
8) How do you stop procrastinating and get on with writing?
I don’t. I have been writing the same novel for about 5 years. In the interim, I wrote a novella and about eleven hundred stories. I am always thinking about writing; I will think and think and think about something until it’s pretty much fully formed and then I write it down.
9) What excuse did you use to bunk off school?
Diarrhea. I’m assuming “bunk off” means skip school or get out of school or something. Even if it doesn’t, I’m sticking with diarrhea.
10) Do you have a motto for life?
My grandfather used to say “Never drink out of strange toilets.” That’s served me well. Either that or “I’m sticking with diarrhea.”
11) Have you ever seen a ghost?
Nope. I saw a UFO once. There could have been a ghost in it, I don’t know. It was way up high.
12) What is the most over-rated novel you’ve read?
I’m not one to judge novels.
13) What sandwiches would you make for a picnic with Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie?
I’m not one to judge sandwiches. I’d bring a nice salad, maybe. Something classy, something with endives.
14) What is your favourite swear?
I rarely swear. Does “fudge” count? Mother-fudge?
15) What word or words make you cringe?
I don’t like it when people start sentences with “So…”
16) Mermaid, dinosaur or unicorn?
Dinosaur. I’m a Dimetrodon guy from way back.
17) Who is your favourite TV detective?
I wrote a bunch of stories about a Crocodile Detective. He’s probably my favorite, primarily because I made him up and he’s a crocodile.
18) What’s your favourite fairy tale?
Probably Rocky 2.
19) What is the last thing you Googled?
What is “other” on my iPhone?
20) Give me a question for the next Smash List interview I do.
How great is Ben Slotky?